Hey Sis…many don’t know this but I have blogged anonymously for years. I started because I had been betrayed in the worst way, and was watching my marriage swirl around the commode (as my grandmother calls it). I was trying to sort through the details and my feelings and I didn’t need an audience. I couldn’t find the help that I needed. So I decided to blog. I was searching for healing and wholeness. My marriage had taken a turn for the worse, and that’s where my relationship with Jesus took a turn for the best! I began to blog as He dealt with me. It was as if I was “writing out my rehab” as a therapy. I re-read some old posts and felt that this would really help my sis…the one who may be hurting, watching her life spiral out. I wrote the following post in pain, and I am re-posting as a healed woman. Thank God!
Blame it on fatty foods, binges of pop and sugar, an upcoming menstrual cycle (curse you Eve!), side effects of birth control (curse you twice, Eve) or stress, but acne has claimed war on my face. And even with over the counter medicines, it has been a losing battle for me. I had a couple of rounds of conversations with my mom that went something like this: her: Go to the dermatologist Me: I can’t afford that! Her: you go to work everyday and pay for health insurance! Me: yeah but that’s still a copay! And a deductible!…A few more rounds of that and finally she said “Look! I put you here pretty! Fix it!”. Me: Ok mommy. Side eye. (Why she gotta dog me?)…(Secret side eye…she didn’t see the side eye, therefore I am still alive and breathing). So I go see the dermatologist. A pretty painless experience (Until I had to fill my $100+ prescriptions!! That one hurt. I stood at the counter at CVS and told that little girl “Oh no! I have insurance. You need to run that again.”….she did run it with the insurance…But God provides….). She said that the acne probably came about because of a combo of all the aforementioned things. But there is a ($100 + copay + deductible) solution. As she explained the medications, she mentioned that it might get worse before it gets better. I wanted to explain to her all the things that were going on in my life and why I did not have time to deal with something else getting worse. Then I remembered that she was a dermatologist and not a psychiatrist. So instead, I turned towards the window and tried to jump. She calmly pulled me off the ledge (clearly she had dealt with my kind before) and said “Hang in there. It’ll get better”. If I knew her better I would have told her to shut up. I would have yelled it. She talked about how the medicine would work, drawing out the impurities that don’t need to be there anyway blah blah blah (insert a whole lotta medical speak)….I was thinking, if I don’t see the impurities then why am I going through all this to get rid of them? Why can’t we deal with what is topical, visible (and cheaper) and worry about the inside medical jargon at another time?!
I had allowed myself to settle. Working on it all, wholly, the right way, would cost me. It would be worth it, but it would cost. I had gotten used to not getting the best. I had gotten used to cover ups and quick fixes. I had gotten used to staying quiet and accepting whatever, so of course I wanted a “whatever” type medication. If the inside impurities weren’t staring me in my face, why not ignore it? But that is no way to live. I needed to remember God gives grace and courage for all situations. And I can confront anything with His word backing me up. Worse to better worse to better worse to better. “It will get worse before it gets better”. I remember when we promised for better or worse…. What a fraudulent promise…. That’s life. At least mine right now. I am fighting through the “worse” to get to the” better”. Excuse me while I have my tantrum: HOW LONG IS WORSE BEFORE BETTER?! I get so tired of people saying “Just hold on”…”It’ll get better”….”Daylight is coming”…” Vee hang in there”. Shut up. Just shut up. SHUT UP! Who wants to hear that? I have been begging and pleading, crying, praying, fasting, rebuking and any other term you can think, over my marriage for years now…and you see where I am? BUT…God allowed it for His reasons. He didn’t check in with me first otherwise I woulda told Him “uh….let’s hold off on all of that indefinitely…how about a financial blessing instead?”. I don’t know why He allowed this. But what I have to know is that He will see me through. And there will be glory (better) after this. Psalm 30:5 says “For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may endure for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning”. I have sung it in songs, I have whooped it up when it is preached, I quote it to friends who are struggling, but now that I am in a place of night yet again, I’m a tad irritated. It doesn’t fester because God always sends someone to encourage (I secretly tell them to shut up….but I know they are right). And before long I realize things that, just that quick, I had forgotten. Things like, God is in control of everything, including my situation. God provides all of my needs. God gives grace to the humble. When I please God He makes my enemies behave. He has a plan for me, to prosper me, to give me hope and a future. That I will increase in wisdom and stature and favor with God and man. That God saw my future and is here in my present to tell me it is all going to be ok. That dawn is coming, just keep on praising, worshipping, seeking…. So He has the Holy Spirit working on the impurities that the naked eye can’t see. My heart is getting dealt with. My mind is learning the importance of renewal. My weaknesses are learning to apply faith. And I will go through the worse to get to the better. Just like the expensive medicine has to do its job from the inside out, the Holy Spirit, which is priceless, is gutting me clean…from the inside out. He will handle my problems. I just need to let Him work. I’m so close to better…
Sis…I think back on the woman I was, when I wrote that. I remember the pain and the grief. I know hurt. Which is why I can earnestly plea with you to go through your process, whatever if maybe. Let God work on your heart. Let Him work on the inside. It will cost you. But the reward is greater. It is worth it! Morning does come. And it feels good!