I’ve been studying relationships a lot lately….watching how men and women interact, what our various expectations look like…how we communicate, or don’t communicate.
One common thread I’ve detected is a hint of desperation in the single girl. No shade…but it’s real. The idea of being in a relationship has become so romanticized and put on a pedestal, that it has become the end all goal. And I get it, believe me. I was in an awful marriage for twelve years, but I still desire marriage…a teammate, a partner…a good looking, good smelling man. Put “God fearing” at the front of that.
But what I had to learn quickly was that, wanting to be married again should not make me settle for less than what I deserve. And you settle when you are desperate. You settle when you get tired of waiting. You settle when you’re lonely. And let’s be real, we know when we are settling. Our intuition is thorough, and we can spot the okey doke. But we turn a blind eye to it.
I used to turn my nose all the way up at side chicks. It’s a disgusting profession that I still don’t embrace. However, I have studied them as well. My conclusion is that, being willing to be a side chick comes from being tired of being single. It comes from desperation. It comes from not knowing that you deserve better. It comes from believing that “this” is all that there is.
For some of us, desperation will lead us from bed to bed, in hopes of finding something that will stick. For others, the desperation is so strong, you go from married man to married man, in hopes that you will find something that will stick, some man who will leave his wife and children, to make you his wife, to want you to bear (more of) his children.
I’m here to tell you, none of that leads to happiness. It does however lead to mess, confusion, confused children, drama, and crazy. And lest we forget, you do reap what you sow.
But what if….
What if, before we let things get too far…sleeping with any ole body and putting our hopes in a man…
What if, before we lowered our standards to the point where no one recognizes us, or what we are doing…including us…
What if, before we resolved ourselves to the notion that a piece of a man, is better than no man at all…
What if, we gave our loneliness and desperation over to Christ? What if, instead of watching all the other “pseudo-happy” couples on social media, we got in our word and found hope and encouragement?
What if, instead of having a pity party with our friends, we talked to God about what we are feeling?
What if, we gave God free reign to match us with our own perfect Mister, instead of witch-crafting our way into Her Mister’s life?
I’m just wondering, how much better our lives would turn out. A lot of us are mothers. And our daughters are learning how to interact with men based off of what they see us do. And our sons are subconsciously learning what kind of woman he is going to deal with, based off of what they see us do. How about we live this life in such a respectable way, so that our children will live theirs in a respectable manner. They are, after all, our responsibility.
If you are acting out in desperation, now is the time to get things right. You may have to block some numbers, change friends, tell him “no, I can’t go out with you anymore”. When you know better, you gotta do better. There is so much at stake: your relationship with God, your witness to others…you. Get it together, sis. God has someone amazing for you. But He cannot and will not give you to Him, if you are too busy giving yourself away to whoever….